From “But” to “And”: A Small Language Shift That Transforms How We Think and Lead

Mental HealthCareer & WorkPersonal Growth

Oct 9

You've probably said it yourself.

"I'm proud of what I've done, but I still feel behind."
"I love my family, but I need more space."
"I'm grateful for my job, but I'm drained."

That single word — but — erases what comes before it.

It makes pride feel like a lie.
It makes love feel like a contradiction.
It makes gratitude feel like it doesn't count.

When we swap it for and, the truth lands differently:

"I'm proud of what I've done, and I still feel behind."
"I love my family, and I need more space."
"I'm grateful for my job, and I'm drained."

Both realities get to exist. Nothing has to be erased to make space for the other.

Why This Tiny Shift Matters

This isn't about grammar. It's about how your brain works.

"But" creates tension. It sets one part of you against another.
"And" creates space. It allows two truths to stand side by side.

Psychologists call this framing — the way a single word can change how we feel, what we decide, and what meaning we attach to our experiences. In therapy, this connects to dialectical thinking — the ability to hold opposing truths without collapsing into extremes.

This matters because all-or-nothing thinking is one of the strongest predictors of anxiety, depression, and burnout. When we can't hold contradiction, we get stuck. We beat ourselves up for feeling grateful and exhausted. We avoid hard conversations because we think acknowledging frustration means we don't love someone. We stay silent at work because we believe recognizing a problem means we're ungrateful.

The way we talk to ourselves — the literal words we use — either reinforces that rigidity or loosens it. And in a country where over 500,000 Canadians are unable to work at any given time due to mental health challenges, and where mental illness costs the economy more than $50 billion annually in lost productivity and care, how we frame our internal experiences isn't a small thing. It shapes whether we ask for help, set boundaries, or stay stuck in shame.

Where It Shows Up in Real Life

In my work as a career and clinical counsellor, I hear this small word almost every day. Here's what the shift sounds like in practice:

At home:
"I'm grateful for the work you do, but I need your help with the kids' bedtime routine on weekends."

Now try it with "and":
"I'm grateful for the work you do, and I need your help with the kids' bedtime routine on weekends."

→ Both appreciation and need are acknowledged. One doesn't cancel the other. This is the difference between a conversation that feels like criticism and one that feels like partnership.

At work (giving feedback):
"You did a great job pulling the data for this report, but you need to work on your presentation skills."

Now with "and":
"You did a great job pulling the data for this report, and I'd like to support you in building confidence with presentations."

→ Recognition stays intact while growth is encouraged. The person hears what they did well and what to work on, without feeling like their effort was dismissed.

In self-talk:
"I'm thankful to have this job, but I'm completely drained when I'm answering emails at midnight."

Now with "and":
"I'm thankful to have this job, and I feel completely drained when I'm answering emails at midnight."

→ This creates honesty about both gratitude and exhaustion. It stops you from gaslighting yourself into thinking you shouldn't feel tired just because you're employed. Both things are true. Once you can name that, you can actually do something about it.

In relationships:
"I love you, but I feel frustrated when I end up doing most of the cleaning on my own."

Now with "and":
"I love you, and I feel frustrated when I end up doing most of the cleaning on my own."

→ Holds both love and frustration, opening space for dialogue instead of resentment. This is how repair happens — not by pretending everything is fine, but by naming what's real without erasing connection.

These are everyday sentences — the kind that quietly shape how we connect, lead, and communicate. Once you feel the difference between the two, you start to realize how powerful one small word can be.

Why It Matters for Mental Health

In sessions, I often see clients struggle with all-or-nothing thinking — a cognitive pattern strongly linked to anxiety, depression, and burnout. They'll say things like, "I should be happy, but I feel anxious," or "I miss them, but I need to move on."

When we shift to "and," something softens:

"I should be happy, and I feel anxious."
"I miss them, and I need to move on."

Both truths can coexist. That's dialectical thinking — the capacity to accept contradiction without collapsing into black-and-white extremes. It builds resilience, reduces shame, and makes room for growth. It doesn't solve everything, but it changes the internal conversation from self-criticism to self-awareness. And that shift is often where healing begins.

Try It Yourself

In your self-talk: Next time you hear yourself say "but," pause and rewrite it as "and." Even saying it out loud can change how it feels.

In your journal: Write a page where you deliberately swap "but" for "and." Notice which sentences suddenly feel more spacious, more honest, less like you're arguing with yourself.

In conversations: When giving feedback or sharing feelings, test out "and." For example: "I appreciate you, and I'd like more help around the house." Pay attention to how the other person responds when they don't have to choose between being valued and being asked to change.

At work: When motivating a team or delivering performance feedback, replace "but" with "and." Watch how people lean in differently when their strengths aren't erased by what needs improvement.

The Takeaway

"But" constricts.
"And" expands.

The ability to hold pride and doubt.
The capacity to acknowledge gratitude and exhaustion.
The willingness to accept love and frustration.

In my work with clients, this single linguistic shift often marks the moment when compassion replaces criticism — when people begin to see themselves as whole instead of divided.

Words shape how we think. They shape how we lead, connect, and heal.
And sometimes, the smallest change in language opens the biggest space for change.