From “But” to “And”: A Small Language Shift That Transforms How We Think and Lead

Mental HealthCareer & WorkPersonal Growth

Feb 28

You’ve probably said it yourself.

“I’m proud of what I’ve done, but I still feel behind.”
“I love my family, but I need more space.”
“I’m grateful for my job, but I’m drained.”

That single word — but — erases what comes before it.

It makes pride feel like a lie.
It makes love feel like a contradiction.
It makes gratitude feel like it doesn’t count.

When we swap it for and, the truth lands differently:

“I’m proud of what I’ve done, and I still feel behind.”
“I love my family, and I need more space.”
“I’m grateful for my job, and I’m drained.”

Both realities get to exist. Nothing has to be erased to make space for the other.

Why This Tiny Shift Matters

This isn’t about grammar. It’s about how your brain works.

“But” creates tension. It sets one part of you against another.
“And” creates space. It allows two truths to stand side by side.

Psychologists call this framing — the way a single word can change how we feel, what we decide, and what meaning we attach to our experiences.

And in therapy, this connects to dialectical thinking — the ability to hold opposing truths without collapsing into extremes.

The Canadian Reality

This shift matters because the stakes are high. In Canada:

Over 500,000 Canadians are unable to work at any given time because of mental health challenges. (Canadian Psychological Association, 2023)
Mental illness costs the economy more than $50 billion each year in health care, lost productivity, and reduced quality of life. (Mental Health Commission of Canada, 2021)
During the pandemic, only one in three employers expanded mental health benefits, even as burnout hit record levels. (Mental Health Commission of Canada, 2022)

Our mental health isn’t a side issue. It shapes how we show up at work, sustain relationships, and recover from stress. And the way we talk to ourselves plays a powerful role in that.

Where It Shows Up in Real Life

In my work as a career and clinical counsellor, I hear this small word almost every day. Clients will share moments that sound like this:

At home:
“I’m grateful for the work you do, but I need your help with the kids’ bedtime routine on weekends.”
Now try it with “and” instead:
“I’m grateful for the work you do, and I need your help with the kids’ bedtime routine on weekends.”
→ Both appreciation and need are acknowledged. One doesn’t cancel the other.
At work (feedback):
“You did a great job pulling the data for this report, but you need to work on your presentation skills.”
Now with “and”:
“You did a great job pulling the data for this report, and I’d like you to practice delivering it with more confidence in presentations.”
→ Recognition stays intact while growth is encouraged.
In leadership:
“You’re capable of leading this project, but it’s going to be tough.”
Now with “and”:
“You’re capable of leading this project, and I know it will stretch you outside your comfort zone.”
→ Communicates belief while acknowledging challenge.
In self-talk:
“I’m thankful to have this job, but I’m completely drained when I’m answering emails at midnight.”
Now with “and”:
“I’m thankful to have this job, and I feel completely drained when I’m answering emails at midnight.”
→ Creates honesty about both gratitude and exhaustion.
In relationships:
“I love you, but I feel frustrated when I end up doing most of the cleaning on my own.”
Now with “and”:
“I love you, and I feel frustrated when I end up doing most of the cleaning on my own.”
→ Holds both love and frustration, opening space for dialogue instead of resentment.

These are everyday sentences — the kind that quietly shape how we connect, lead, and communicate. Once you feel the difference between the two, you start to realize how powerful one small word can be.

Why It Matters for Mental Health

In sessions, I often see clients struggle with all-or-nothing thinking — a pattern strongly linked to anxiety, depression, and burnout. They’ll say things like, “I should be happy, but I feel anxious,” or “I miss them, but I need to move on.”

When we shift to “and,” something softens:
“I should be happy, and I feel anxious.”
“I miss them, and I need to move on.”

Both truths can coexist. That’s dialectical thinking — the capacity to accept contradiction without collapsing into black-and-white thinking. It builds resilience, reduces shame, and makes room for growth.

Try It Yourself

In your self-talk: Next time you hear yourself say “but,” rewrite it as “and.” Even saying it out loud can change how it feels.
In your journal: Write a page where you deliberately swap “but” for “and.” Notice which sentences suddenly feel more spacious.
In conversations: When giving feedback or sharing feelings, test out “and.” For example:
“I appreciate you, and I’d like more help around the house.”
At work: When motivating a team, replace “but” with “and.” Watch how people respond differently when strengths aren’t erased by challenges.

The Takeaway

“But” constricts.
“And” expands.

The ability to hold pride and doubt.
The capacity to acknowledge gratitude and exhaustion.
The willingness to accept love and frustration.

In my work with clients, this single linguistic shift often marks the moment when compassion replaces criticism — when people begin to see themselves as whole instead of divided.

Words shape how we think. They shape how we lead, connect, and heal.
And sometimes, the smallest change in language opens the biggest space for change.